Spiritual Adolescent

Do you see this little girl? Do you see how she clearly has an attitude about something? What gave it away? Was it her eyes, her pouting lip, her folded arms, or the simple downward position of her head? Well, THIS is what I probably look like to God right now. My eyes have not been on Christ; my lips have been pouting, in my refusal to just really speak with my father; my arms are folded, in my refusal to surrender; and my head is positioned in a way that restricts my ability to just look up…instead I see frustrating and contradicting circumstances that doesn’t seem to be changing. In other words, I have an attitude with God.

It is puzzling how I can be thriving on Faith and walking with Christ one minute and the next minute I am circling a mountain of doubt, feeling more distant from Christ than before I ever knew anything about who he is.

Attitudes will do that, you know? When we are frustrated with someone, we are less likely to continue walking with them. After all, how can two walk together unless they agree? The presence of an attitude exposes the absence of the ability to agree. The inability to agree is a dangerous fine line that can potentially alter one’s relationship from friends to enemies.

So, why do I have an attitude with God? What do I not agree with? The short answer is I cannot have my way. So, I have an attitude with God, like the adolescent child portrayed on television. You know the one…the one who storms off, slams doors, can’t be told anything and think they are too old to be punished. THAT ONE.

So, HOW in the world did I get here? Well, If I could use one single scripture to describe how I got to this place it would simply be this one: “Hope deferred maketh the heart sick: but when the desire cometh, it is a tree of life.” (Proverbs 13:12) You see, I have been waiting on a promise of God to manifest in my life for the last 5 ½ years to no avail. Just when I think I see it, it seems to elude me yet again leaving me with hope deferred.

Around about the 4th year, I began asking for property. I would ask the Lord for it, seek him, and wait for his answer. He ALWAYS answered and normally through a dream. So, I would ask whether or not a property was ours and I would dream about it either being sold or someone else living there. Shortly after these dreams, the home would really sell. At first, I was a little disappointed because I really liked every property I asked for; however, each time I would recover and find myself hoping again. Well, around about the 5-6th home it started becoming more and more difficult to recover from the disappointment. One particular time, I asked about a property and randomly opened up the Bible and I was led to the scripture that tell us not to covet thy neighbors house. A few days later, the home sold. Another time, my family and I went to see a property and as we were leaving I asked the Lord was it ours and before we got out of the driveway, I had this inner knowing that it was not home for us. Surely enough it sold not long afterwards. BUT the very last time I asked about a property, it truly seemed to me that the Lord himself had led us to that property so imagine my surprise when it sold just a little while after I asked the magic question, “Is it mine?”.

Frustrated with yet another deferment of hope, I just have found myself struggling to get back up from this one and hope again. I found myself asking the Lord directly, “Why do you tell me to ask you if you’re only going to make me watch you give it to someone else?”. Do you see where the attitude came in? You see my hope has been deferred so many times, until I am struggling to be able to see that the desire can still come. I mean after all, I have been asking about properties for years now and now my family and I currently reside in a hotel room…still waiting for something that seems to be eluding us. I mean, it was one thing to say no but then my husband and I began trying to prepare for a home. We spoke with a mortgage lender, found out the score we need for approval, and we started our journey. Would you know it, my husband’s score ironically drops 100 points within days of our talk with the mortgage lender. Of course, I was given a dream where we could see my husband’s score dramatically increasing…we were ecstatic until we called the mortgage lender to apply and was STILL denied. Even after the dream and the 100-point drop, we tried it again. We obtained secured credit cards and began on the road to credit recovery. Would you know it, the thing we got to help us ended up hurting us because we found ourselves in an unexpected financial situation…A GARNISHMENT and of course another EVICTION.

So, the attitude that I have with God is simply because my hope has been deferred. He has told me every house that is NOT mine when I’ve been waiting for 5 ½ years to know which one IS. The spiritual waiting room is often a painful place. Just when you think your name is about to be called but the nurse calls in your neighbor instead…THAT MOMENT. You know the one…the moment when you are so sure you are next that you grab your things and began to stand up to proceed into the back, BUT you realize it is not your name that they’ve called…which means YOU must continue waiting. THAT is how I feel.

Nevertheless, I am still here, and I am still waiting. Now like the story of an adolescent child, HERE are the parts that I left out of the story:

Well, it all started about 5 ½ years ago when we began to surrender our lives to Christ by our repentance of our sins…in particular the sin of fornication. After we made this decision, we received a prophetic word of promise that was given BECAUSE we had turned from our sin. We were elated but the celebration was short lived after a reality dropped into my spirit. Somehow, some way it was revealed to me that we were going to be tried/tested for that Word. I had NO idea how much or how long we would endure. Fast forwarding 5 ½ years later, we have endured evictions, repossessions, job terminations, lack of food, disconnections, medical issues, debt, neared a divorce, and more. Even so, the Lord used each and everything I just listed to teach us, correct us, and prepare us to receive his promise. BUT although we’ve learned a lot the ONE thing we are still struggling to grasp…the one thing that I am almost certain has landed us in this hotel…is this…BEING FAITHFUL OVER THE FEW.

You see neither me nor my husband have been good stewards over the few. I told you about us living in a hotel room and about the evictions but I didn’t you about the time we had the money to pay off the entire lease but we blew it all; I didn’t tell you how even after we blew the money the Lord blessed us with unexpected money, told me to pay an extra month of rent but I didn’t do it; and even after I blew the money and didn’t pay the extra month he gave us MORE unexpected money…which we did use. I also didn’t you how he caused the people who were evicting us to NOT show up to court…out of about 8 people before us we were the ONLY ones to evade eviction that day! I didn’t tell you how he blessed us, even with a lottery ticket, to get a hotel room but we spent the money on food and ended up sleeping in a rental car for that night! I didn’t tell you how we received almost $3,000 for an income tax refund and we blew most of it on birthday vacation all WHILE we were living with my mom and dad with NO savings. I didn’t tell you how he told us to pay our Church dues, which we did, and he blessed us to avoid a garnishment, a $700 ticket, and gave us time to catch up on rent…but we didn’t! I also didn’t tell you that he told me to write a book and that’s the key to my house and while I wrote it I stopped making the payments to publish it.

You see, although I have the attitude with God, he has every right to have the attitude with ME. The Unfaithful one? ME. The reason FOR the deferred hope? ME. You see, God is NOT going to give me ANYTHING that I am not ready for and like an adolescent child, I have copped a tude (have an attitude) because I cannot have my way.

My encouragement to you is this, in all of your frustration towards God take some time and examine YOURSELF. Have you learned the lessons that he has been trying to teach you OR are you repeating old mistakes? Are you faithful over the few or have you mismanaged your portion (finances, time, family, and any other responsibility)? Are you REALLY prepared to receive what you’ve been praying for? If you are like me and cannot answer yes to ALL of these questions then join me as we repent and seek his face for wisdom and understanding that we may finally learn our lesson and receive our blessing. Amen? AMEN.